My first three years of college were a train wreck. I didn’t know what it was that I wanted to do with my life, I hated the people I called my closest friends, I was in an abusive relationship (more mental than physical), ended that relationship jumped in another (with a man I have yet to figure out why he played such a big role in my life), and I lost my long time connection with God. Those three years were the worst three years of my life! I didn’t know the meaning of depression until then. So I decided I needed to change the way I lived. I hadn’t put much thought into this plan but I knew that I wanted and needed a change. With no set plan, I started to do things differently. I slept with who I wanted (or who I thought I wanted). I drank what and when I wanted. Hell, if my rent and bills were paid, I spent money on things I wanted not needed. I was having the time of my life. Actually, I was doing exactly what society says a young black woman was supposed to. At the end of the day I never created this “plan” to change. As a result, I found myself crying myself to sleep many nights. My friends thought I was ok but in reality I felt worse than ever before. So I eventually grew the balls to make a real plan on getting my life together. I applied to two new schools knowing I would lose a lot of credits if I transferred. I even knew that I’d probably graduate a year later than expected but at the time I didn’t care. I got accepted to both schools and decided to move to the one furthest from my old school.
So now here I am, at Ohio State University, accomplishing my first and only step in this new “plan”. I get to Ohio State feeling accomplished because I did the unthinkable…I got away. But what now? I had no idea and once again no plan. I transferred and lost my damn mind. I did everything I was doing at my old school minus the major drama. Even worse, I disappointed myself. My grades were terrible, my drinking habits got worse, and I barely went to church. I became numb to the emotional side of me and embraced the rebellious side in me. I moved miles away from home just to play around and frankly I didn’t care until it was too late. Despite me playing around i’m extremely happy in my new home…I just know I’m not doing my best.
So this blog isn’t to brag about how I miraculously decided to change my life or to brag about how out of nowhere things changed because of God’s grace because I’d be lying. This blog is for me! This blog is going to be something that I could look back and laugh at. I’m 22 years old, ready to graduate, and I’m officially making a real plan. Not a cop out plan that will lead me down the same path I’ve been walking for the past 4 years. This time I plan to accomplish more than just running away from my fears. All this will take is hard work, dedication, and lots of prayers!